mykel

living in quiet desperation....

2009-06-28T13:32:00.006+10:00

watched an interesting film last night which appealed to my current headstate.

what is it about men and their inability to connect? generalization i know.
sometimes it all just seems so pointless. why try and connect with people when there is so much machismo bullshit to get through before conversation and interconnections happen. honesty, integrity and strangth of character? is that too much to ask for? i don't need your macho aggression and self agrandizement! put it away...the swinging dick club doesn't need another member who acts without thinking.

looks only get you so far...

...and cocks are a dime a dozen

...drop the act and cut the bullshit....

...open yourself up and enjoy the complexity of sharing yourself...
the rewards are amazing!

been a few weeks

2009-06-15T18:22:00.005+10:00

haven't posted for a while..

have been so preoccupied trying to get my last assignment finished. almost there. just like the little engine...i think i can...i think i can....

did manage to catch Pink's Fun House concert the other week, which of course was an amazing experience!! love the aerial work she does and the show was fantastic.

was a great night!! good friends and great entertainment, what more can i ask for!

i am so tired

2009-05-31T10:37:00.008+10:00

had probably the craziest week of 09 to date this week.

been hanging out with a new crew, all straight and slightly warped...it's really nice to hang out within a group of people, particularly straight men who don't mind flirtin play with a queer guy...fun for me, ego boost for them, nothin more to it but fun and everyone knows that...very nice.

have been watching now defunct us tv series Moonlight
this week, and even though it was pretty cheesy, and i can see why only one series was produced, i quite enjoyed it...had some funny moments and the eye candy wasn't bad either...didn't realize the shows male lead Alex O'Loughlin was also the hunky love interest in Oyster Farmer, obviously i haven't been keeping up with the gossip mags for a very long time.

speaking of trash vampires...i'm now on the third book of the twilight series, eclipse...didn't think much of the movie...the soundtrack however is excellent, and i'm really enjoying the books.

loving this song right now

and i just can't seem to shake this one from my head...

feelin a little retro...

2009-05-26T20:16:00.000+10:00

the samples in this track are making me sooo nostalgic...

time for play

2009-05-24T11:54:00.006+10:00

journey into hyperreality is continuing and i'm lovin the play. Hyperreality i realize is a new terminology (for me) which applies to the way i've lived my life for years.

fluid identities pushing the limits and boundaries of the acceptable...gender terrorism and down right in your face attitude. The attitude, to some degree i've left behind, unless the role calls for it, because the rigidity of this is no where near as much fun as just letting go and enjoying the play....why take anything too seriously if it gets in the way of play.

I'm lovin the fuzzy face and the reactions i get to it, and the difference is i actually feel as though i inhabit this space and body more than i ever did when i was the little femm.

There are times when i am very much aware of the akward and shy person i was who masked it all through a visage of make-up and being groomed to within an inch of my life...and ohhh the platform heels, fabulous!!!!

but underneath it all i was always a little bit stompy dyke, butch bloke and bitter drag queen all rolled into one. Still love stompin on the dancefloor in great big heavy boots...haha times spent on the dance floor @ MASS (goth nightclub in brizvegas circa early 90's)full face of make up, beautiful flowing wig, ripped stockings, docmartins doin the headbangin stomp with the other skin heads and loveable freaks who were my friends, remind me of the paradoxical nature of being and the great freedom in exploring fluid identities.

These days i'm more confident in who i am and consider myself very fortunate to have been hanging out with a guy who has allowed me to explore my inner bloke and the inner top i was always affraid of admitting was inside me (no pun intended). The power and confidence of sexual exploration is not to be denied, and the exploration of that in a safe space, respectful of self and other(s) for me was always paramount....just never found someone to play with before that i felt safe enough to play this game with, who was also strong and confident enough in himself to not be overwhelmed and subsumed by the power of dominance.

There's something to be said for the alpha male stereotype whereby the armour shield is so strong and lived so fully that being able to submitt does not undermine the self...not that i think every Alpha male could do this...just think i lucked out in finding someone who can and does.

I am very interested at the moment about why it is that i'm so comfortable in my skin now....when the masculine was always something i avoided representing myself as...even though i was so attracted to it. Maybe it's because i never truely believed i could 'pass' as a man, in the same way i had great confidence that i could, and did 'pass' as a fem.

explore tyhself, learn thyself, love thyself, reinvent thyself...and play...

fluidity of identity

2009-05-18T18:31:00.005+10:00

my studies have me playing with identity once again and more precisely with the fluidity of identity. multiplicity of self with offline relationships and interactions has been a fascination of mine for a long time and the influx of different online personas as an extension of these have been something i've played with for a while now.

if we are multiple beings able to move between relationships and situations, what is it that grounds us within our 'self'. do we need something to ground us at all, or is the un-grounded-ness the substance of chaos and the potential for 'insanity' or at least the perception of insanity?

for years i've played with fluidity and recently i've been criticised for the directions this play has taken me. But for me the play is not just a game. and yes, for me, there is a game element to being, "life is a game". But i take this quite seriously, sometimes too seriously.

For me what grounds me, surprisingly, is a harking back to Morality and virtues. Maybe not the virtues and morals of everyone but for me the basis of an identity which i'm comfortable with. Integrity; honesty; respect; adaptability; flexibility and openness of self to name but a few.

the maliability of the self and the ways in which i interact change: mood, environment, state of health, and the nature of the engagement with different individuals and situations, again to name but a few, mediate the state of being with which i approach my life.

It is heartening to me to find resonance within my studies which reafirm these self held notions. Not that i need them to validate my choices and decision making processes but it is nice to not feel completely alone in the face of competing morals and values.

"we all create our own realities"...whether you believe that or not is up to you. For me the reality i am creating is one of frank and open discussion, with an honest willingness to continually challenge and revisit taken for granted assumptions and beliefs. All done within the space of 'play' as much as possible: play which respects the other whilst not diminishing myself, nor allowing personal power to be overarched and compromised to the point of being unhealthy. Compromise is essential to the negotiation of the self in interaction, but compromise does not need to be damaging to either parties. The abuse of power from which this stems is to me, something which needs to be questioned and continually challenged for healthy relationships to occur, what ever form those relationships my take.

The images i've used for this post relate to the play i've been doing in the realm of Hyper-masculinity. A new frontier for me and one i am enjoying more than i ever would have believed possible.

contentment is....

2009-05-16T09:19:00.004+10:00

1. Relative health +
2. Job satisfaction +
3. Study satisfaction +
4. Regular hookups with a great guy +
5. Playing with others +
6. Supportive friends and family +
7. Attempting to live without expectations +
8. Taking none of the above for granted..........

reality check

2009-05-05T21:31:00.004+10:00

the body cannot function on little food, lack of sleep and overstimulaion for extended periods of time....now i must rest...so much assignment writing and yet the semester is almost over already, it feels like only five minutes ago that it started.

and now for a totally random and gratuitous hunk shot...;)

i had forgotten...

2009-04-27T18:09:00.008+10:00

...just how much procrastination i can do when i have an assignment due. While i'm currently in the middle of writing and wading my way through what feels like a mountain of readings and feeling, i think, pretty well managed in it all....i recognize that time is getting away from me.

perhaps i shouldn't have gone to see the boat that rocked which i loved by the way. Had a great belly laugh, something that i haven't gotten out of a movie in a long time.

perhaps i shouldn't have watched the final of so you think you can dance, even though i am quite pleased that Talia won.

and perhaps i shouldn't have had beer and played for two nights in a row on the weekend

but what the hell...lifes for living right and there's more to life than work and study and i'm confident in my abilities to get the assignment done on time.

besides i really needed to go and get new clothes, and i definately needed to catch up with my friend who immediately "got what i was talking about" and helped me clarify my thinking.

ahhh good old procrastination...it's amazing how much i get done when an assignment is due...how did i forget that?

's ok

2009-04-25T13:44:00.011+10:00

three little words update: i overreacted to the implied meaning: we chatted and have re-established boundaries: it's all good!!

Romanticized love and the co-mingling of two into a relationship unit is not what i'm looking for at this time in my life and that's where i thought things were headed and it scared me because i don't want to hurt him....but i was wrong....the connection is strong....but there is no delusion of romanticized love....stronger limits have been established and for now it's working.

It's wonderful to be able to spend time with someone, to talk and get to know them, particularly when you realize that the public persona is coming down and more of the true self starts to shine through. That kind of intimacy and connection with someone is a rare and beautiful thing and something to be cherished. It's wonderful to realize that the connection you are making with someone is going beyond friendship and becoming more of a sense of family.

It's turned out to be a very good week and i continue to be grateful that i took the risk to let this person into my life and that he has been willing to let me into his.

on a different note: these are fantastic reworkings of some classics and some not so well know titles in children's literature....oh the irreverence, i love it!

love this song at the moment

2009-04-22T19:03:00.000+10:00

three little words....

2009-04-22T18:34:00.002+10:00

'I love you'....three little words that you would think i would be happy to hear.

Nice to hear but wrong person to hear them from...

It's a little disturbing, and a lot very sweet.

The saddest part is that we've been having so much fun together, and as much as i know this is an impossible situation it would be hard not to see him....

last thing i expected to happen, and maybe i'm blowing it out of proportion because of my lonliness. I just don't believe that lonliness can be filled by another person and the illusion of that not being true, for me, sometimes does my head in.

just because.....sometimes.....

2009-04-16T21:01:00.006+10:00

life is really fucking beautiful....

...and i think of where i was 15 months ago...and i....

sometimes surprise myself at how much i've grown....and sometimes.....

i think...who the hell are you?...i don't recognize you.... but i think i'm really...

...beginning to like the man i'm becoming.....

sometimes....i get a little lonely

2009-04-12T17:05:00.004+10:00

i lost my erection when he pulled me down on top of him
and held me tightly against himself.
i lost my erection because that moment of intimacy was what
i was looking for and needed.
the intimacy of being inside him is beautiful.
but the intimacy of being held by him was better.
that's what i wanted.
that's what i needed.
and for a brief time i had it...

life gets in the way of blogging sometimes...

2009-04-06T19:41:00.005+10:00

have been so busy lately offline that i couldn't even remember my password to this thing...
went to brisbane actually have been to queensland twice in the last month. the first time was for holiday the second was unexpected family emergency....favourite aunt had quadruple bypass surgery, which went better than expeced, she's back home and recovering well. stopped into sporties while i was in brisbane and even managed to sample the brisbears nite that was on there...interesting nite!

have started my new (temporary) job this week so i won't be seeing this view for a while bit nervous about the new job but more than anything i think it's excitement. lots more responsibility but my learning curve is about to take another dramatic upswing and the best part is that it fits in perfectly with what i'm studying for my master so will have the added benifit of working fulltime for a while in what i'm studying..excellent!

not so excellent...my dentist discovered two teeth requiring root canal work, started last week and fuck the pain! since i last had it done i had completely blocked out what the experience is like. different to last time though is having to have a stainless steel band wrapped around the tooth until the treatment is completed, the dentist tells me i'll get used to it but i'm not convinced, all i can taste is metal and it's not pleasant, so don't know how i'll last with it on for two months, actually it will be longer because the second tooth will have one also....

this was on the wall of the house i was staying in in brisbane, couldn't get all of it into the shot but i think te message of how i was feeling at the time comes out clear enough

its been a very challenging couple of weeks, painfull at times but all good...i am so appreciative of all the lifelessons that have been coming thick and fast, even if at times i have felt like i am spiralling out of control....

overwhelmed

2009-03-15T12:45:00.001+11:00

too much has been happening and i'm taking time out today.

seems appropriate now i'm back in the land of dorothy

2009-03-10T12:10:00.003+11:00

even if i did miss the big party....what the fuck was i thinking?

revelations

2009-03-10T11:51:00.003+11:00

* went to queensland
* hung out with the famiy
* developed a disgusting tooth abcess
* came home
* woke up this morning realizing that the life i have is not the one i want
* reinvention is the spice of my life
* it's time for a shakeup

the universe works in mysterious ways

2009-03-05T16:28:00.005+11:00

things are shifting again more changes on the horizon and maybe it's because i'm still on holidays but i'm relaxing into the movements...enjoying a level of confidence i haven't felt in a long time and having fun with new and entertaining connections.

one more sleep and then i'm off to queensland for a few days. love the irony that i'm flying out of sydney for mardi gras this year. there are so many people coming in every day and coming out into the streets in all their fabulous glory. bit sad i won't be here this year but also looking forward to the break away.

oh my god! while typing this the bold and the beautiful is playing in the background, haven't seen it in years and what the fuck is going on with the woman who plays
taylor. just found this not so flattering before and after display but you can see what i mean. give up the scalpel baby!

phewwwwww!!!

2009-03-02T17:10:00.006+11:00

1. my mother was here last week for a vist - great to see her and i learn't something new about myself. The older i get the more difficult it becomes to spend that much time with one person no matter how much i love them. we had fun and i once again enjoyed being a tourist in my own city. One highlight of the visit was going to the chinese gardens of friendship at Darling Harbour....

2. started my uni course....finally

3. partied hard over the weekend: i'm not going to be in sydney for mardi gras this year so this was my party time. Caught up with friends; enjoyed great food; was thoroughly entertained by Quick and Dirty performances; drank toooo much and flirted outrageously at Club Kooky!

4. re previous post: counting my chickens about counting my chickens - tautology or bust! the circularity of it all was doing my head in but now i'm learning to let go and let be. and if the past weekend is anything to go by i was certainly counting my chickens when i really didn't need to worry at all! Damn this quirk of insecurity...but even saying that, within the insecurity i have been feeling the most alive i have felt in a very long time...and for me that's the point....i'm taking the risk and i'm living and that can't just be all about idealistic hopes and desires but must include the practical realities also.

5. as i write this - i'm really quite tired. 14hrs sleep in 3 days is just not enough anymore hehe

LDN: lily

so what is it they say about counting chickens

2009-02-23T19:34:00.003+11:00

...maybe it's just me but i think i've jinxed it. got too excited. took the risk and i have no regrets. i feel like i've been given a taste of what things could be and a reminder of what i've lost and a huge awakening to what i've gained, non the least of which is more confidence and respect for myself. given all that though i find myself a little like the space in the photo....full of light and dimension and yet somewhat empty...

fairday 09

2009-02-18T17:54:00.006+11:00

Thought fairday was going to be a wash out this year but thankfully it wasn't, it rained a little but not enough to stop the fun.

Ian Roberts was dunked....often

The crowd got down to some great live sounds

and of course there were the multitude of partially clad men

fairday kookie was cancelled but considering ihad been out every night for the week prior to sunday i actually wasn't that disappointed....need some respite from partying every now and then :)

tis the season to be fairy

2009-02-14T14:19:00.003+11:00

mardi gras season has arrived. i know the launch and fairday are not on until tomorrow but last night i went to the opening night of Queer Screen, My Queer Career. Such a good night, great venue at the City Recital Hall and a good turn out to see the nine films competing this year. To be honest i was mildly disappointed at the outcome of who won, not to take anything away from the team who brought us "Every other weekend" i was hoping for "matchstick" to walk away with something but alas not to be.

Have been adjusting to changes in the balance of my world in the last few weeks, taking stock of what matters to me and what i am working towards. I start uni in two weeks and the anticipation is growing...i'm so excited by the prospect of doing something creative again and i can't wait.

I made a decision to take some risks in my life and am being richly rewarded by the universe in the form of a very cool guy i've been hanging out with recently. Nothing serious but a lot of fun and for me at the moment just what i need. I have long been a believer in fluid relationships and after having been in a predominately monogomous relationship for 12 and a half years, and now having been unattached for over a year, i'm enjoying the un-entangled companionship this guy is offering. Feels a little surreal to be involved on a regular basis with anyone but more than anything, the surreal aspect comes from my letting down defences and letting someone into my life, trusting someone and believing that the boundaries we have both set will be respected. This will not be heading towards coupledome, we are both very clear on that. I am appreciating our connection for what it is and i'm learning a lot about myself in the process. No expectations and no hassels connection: loving it!

i had been considering leaving my current employment but this doesn't feel like the right time to be doing that so i'm plodding along, still learning and being challenged, and doing far too much but it's a good thing....i have job security at a time when many don't and when i step back and with perspective look at my situation i've got it pretty good. And since other aspects of my life have changed the petty crap which comes with any workplace and day to day stress has melted away greatly, not completely but greatly and i'm finding the internal politics just don't effect me in the same way.

I've had amazing life changes and experiences of late which is why i haven't been blogging that much and that will probably continue for a while i suspect. Particularly with mardi gras celebrations and all the people places and things to see and do.

Loving life at the moment and feeling very grateful and fortunate. Wishing everyone a very happy mardi gras season

Someday Soon - Natalie Bassingthwaighte

the world changes soooo quickly

2009-02-08T13:08:00.004+11:00

working - too much
holidays - almost here
uni - on the final countdown
leavin on a jet plane - very soon
hanging out with friends - good times have been had
movies - seen a few
music - my constant companion
making new friends - fuck yeah!!

goodbye miss thing.. i will miss you... keep warm in not so sunny london xx

looking forward to a very kookie fairday

fly away baby

2009-02-01T16:16:00.002+11:00

tickets are booked and now i will be looking forward to my holidays with even more anticipation. only a short trip but a few days in QLD and away from sydney is better than none.