home again

got back last night after my stint in Tassie. had such an amazing time. lots of exploring different parts of northern tassie. bushwalked at cradle mountain which is where this picture was taken. had an amazing time with r&l two of the most amazing women i know who i love very much, it was great to spend time with them.

it is good to be back and even better to know that i still have two weeks holiday left. i will definately be going back to tassie to explore more. need to get fitter though because some of that bushwalking involved mountain climbing which restricted how much i could do, so that's a challenge to set myself.

help

it has been brought to my attention that if you go to the comments page through my post header links you cannot read the comments left by people because the background color is black and so is the text. does anyone know how to change the text color in the comments page or better yet the page background color in the comments page? more than mildly confused and frustrated...

computerless

definately not in kansas. must say that only after two days of not having the computer at home i'm really feeling it. i mean i knew i was addicted and that is why i have been looking forward to it not being there for a while but wow didn't think i would miss it this much. in the past i would use the internet once a month, if i was lucky and even then i couldn't bear to be in front of a computer for more than an hour at a time.

but i will be strong :) i will not give in, just yet.

this also means that most of my images will now be G rated, although a friend has kindly offered to assist in the posting of my more risque treats.

just me

the house is finally all mine. my ex moved the last of his stuff out yesterday. Went over to his new place last night for the first time and then we went out and had dinner together. felt strange but also familiar. it's great to see him so happy in his new place and i think things are going to work out well for him.

i'm feeling a lot more relaxed and looking forward to now rearranging the house to how i want it. i'm kind of surprised at how settled i'm feeling emotionally. i think seeing him last night and getting back into the swing of relating as friends, chatting and laughing really helped. i was slighlty anxious before i got to his place but that didn't last, and now i just feel a sense of relief that there will be no drama.

i watched my parents, other relatives and friends go through terribly messy break-ups and divorces and was determined to not go down that path. i don't feel a need to do the whole anatomy of a break-up analyzing, blaming, resenting. it doesn't feel necessary and i don't think that is avoiding issues, it just means for me that the issues have already been pretty much resolved.

i still have my moments of sadness but last night confirmed that the decision we made is the right one for both of us. the two of us, i think, were the most relaxed we had been with each other for a long time and that made me very happy. i may have lost a partner but i feel like i'm getting my friend back, and that's fantastic.

apart from feeling like a pretzel, now having to contend with the after effects of my gardening exploits and what it has done to my back, life is pretty good. i'm starting to regain a sense of routine, which i need, and also a sense of adventure, which i need more, and am feeling quite optimistic about my future.

i had been toying with the idea of growing my hair back and had fun playing around with a friends wig.


however, comfort and good sense won out and i've gone for the no 2 all over again

friends

had a fantastic weekend. spent lots of time in the garden, which had begun to take on the appearance of a jungle, very overgrown and full of spiders who kept taking up residence in my clothing on the washing line - i was able to tame it to something more akin to a garden and transfer the spiders to more approptiate locals (they were not to happy about this but i would rather move them than kill them, just can't abide killing anything) very satisfying.

caught up with Sandy on saturday and Firehorse on sunday. Was great to catch up with both of them, especially because by the end of last week i was beginning to feel a little lonely. i love spending time alone but since the breakup i've been spending too much time alone even for me.

i started to reconnect with my close friends, organizing to catch up this week before i go away. i've been feeling weird about getting together with them because they have an emotional investment with both myself and my ex and i didn't want to put them in the middle of our break up but in doing so i'm doing myself a disservice by not seeing them. something Sandy said on saturday made me realize that and that i need to reconnect with them as an individual not part of a couple. which i think was part of my difficulty, would they treat me differently because it is now just me? of course the answer is yes how can they not, in the same way that i am now different.

catching up with my ex on tuesday, going to see his new place. have some reservations about that but i think it's more of how to renegotiate our friendship - which i think is the great thing about the beginning of our relationship, we took the time to become friends before we became lovers and the foundation of that friendship for me has not gone. in starting our new seperate lives we won't see each other as much as we did obviously but our group is quite strong and of course we will see each other as a part of that group and as far as i'm concerned it may feel akward for a while but not impossible to overcome.

have the day off work today and i'm planning to reconnect with friends and relax. heading off to tassie on saturday and i can't wait.

fabulous fridays tasty morsels

wide open spaces

now that there is just me in the house i can see how big it actually is. with half of the furniture gone it feels enormous. guess i'm pretty lucky to be able to have so much space to myself!!

been pottering around the house the last couple of days because i haven't been well, tonsils flared up on sunday night and wiped me out on monday morning. my bodies usual manifestation of stress, telling me to slow down.

been running a bit, in my head that is, and the desire to get out of sydney is still strong. go in two weeks for a holiday so i'm hoping that will help me get both distance and perspective from everything that's been going on.

been pretty lucky the last week because my ex has left the computer with me until he is settled into his new place, not that i've been using it that much because i'm trying to wean myself off.

not quite sure yet what to do with all this me time, haven't had it in so long that i end up in front of the box contemplating projects and decorating ideas to make the space my own. it's fun but feeling a little entropy creeping in.

although i'm also grateful that i'm not totally alone, still have the dog and cat with me, and i've been spending time in the park walking the dog. was a bit nervous about that because of my back and the dogs ability to pull too much on the lead and cause me injury but he's been so good for me; very confident that things are going to work out just fine.

fabulous fridays tasty morsels

clearing out the computer

clearing out all of the images i have collected to populate my blog i deleted most but some i wanted to put on now, out of context except for the context that i like them and they have a visual appeal for me.







now that i'm single i find i am quickly beginning to think of all the possiblities open to me. i had been thinking of going back to study and i still want to but maybe not right away. the travel bug is pretty high and i think part of that is the desire to run away but it is becoming increasingly apparent that now i don't have to defer travel and it is not just running away. i've also been thinking that maybe i'll leave sydney (also geographically running away but something i've been thinking about for a while)

strangely enough i'm eligible for long service leave this year (how the hell did that happen??) which means that i can have an extended vacation if i choose and not have to worry about not having a job to come back too. between then and now i have time to work out what i'm going to do, and play while i'm figuring it out

happy new year

so it's 08...and 8 is the number for change.

things have certainly changed in my world...one chapter closes and another opens...



searching for guidance to my future i've been looking to my past and have discovered i love it that childhood idols continue to challenge orthodoxy...






my relationship has ended now and in more ways than one this relationship was a challenge to orthodoxy, both gay and straight alike. and whilst unlike Pete i probably won't be flashing my balls around in public anytime soon, i have a sense that whatever challenges lie ahead for me i will continue to push the boundaries of being...push the boundaries of what is "acceptable"... and continue to challenge the orthodoxy. i've done it since i was born, and while it may have been sublimated for a while my current state of new found independence has me feeling the sparks of it's effects on me again. maybe it's an unrealistic bravado in the face of loss and pain but what more can i do but pick myself up, brush off the debris and move on...yes one chapter is closing but there is a common thread to all my chapters, an essential ingredient of my being which has served me well in the past and i feel it will serve me well again; i have hope and better than that i have laughter, what more can i ask for...