watched an interesting film last night which appealed to my current headstate.
what is it about men and their inability to connect? generalization i know. sometimes it all just seems so pointless. why try and connect with people when there is so much machismo bullshit to get through before conversation and interconnections happen. honesty, integrity and strangth of character? is that too much to ask for? i don't need your macho aggression and self agrandizement! put it away...the swinging dick club doesn't need another member who acts without thinking.
looks only get you so far...
...and cocks are a dime a dozen
...drop the act and cut the bullshit....
...open yourself up and enjoy the complexity of sharing yourself... the rewards are amazing!
have been so preoccupied trying to get my last assignment finished. almost there. just like the little engine...i think i can...i think i can....
did manage to catch Pink's Fun House concert the other week, which of course was an amazing experience!! love the aerial work she does and the show was fantastic.
was a great night!! good friends and great entertainment, what more can i ask for!
had probably the craziest week of 09 to date this week.
been hanging out with a new crew, all straight and slightly warped...it's really nice to hang out within a group of people, particularly straight men who don't mind flirtin play with a queer guy...fun for me, ego boost for them, nothin more to it but fun and everyone knows that...very nice.
have been watching now defunct us tv series Moonlight this week, and even though it was pretty cheesy, and i can see why only one series was produced, i quite enjoyed it...had some funny moments and the eye candy wasn't bad either...didn't realize the shows male lead Alex O'Loughlin was also the hunky love interest in Oyster Farmer, obviously i haven't been keeping up with the gossip mags for a very long time.
speaking of trash vampires...i'm now on the third book of the twilight series, eclipse...didn't think much of the movie...the soundtrack however is excellent, and i'm really enjoying the books.
loving this song right now
and i just can't seem to shake this one from my head...
journey into hyperreality is continuing and i'm lovin the play. Hyperreality i realize is a new terminology (for me) which applies to the way i've lived my life for years.
fluid identities pushing the limits and boundaries of the acceptable...gender terrorism and down right in your face attitude. The attitude, to some degree i've left behind, unless the role calls for it, because the rigidity of this is no where near as much fun as just letting go and enjoying the play....why take anything too seriously if it gets in the way of play.
I'm lovin the fuzzy face and the reactions i get to it, and the difference is i actually feel as though i inhabit this space and body more than i ever did when i was the little femm.
There are times when i am very much aware of the akward and shy person i was who masked it all through a visage of make-up and being groomed to within an inch of my life...and ohhh the platform heels, fabulous!!!!
but underneath it all i was always a little bit stompy dyke, butch bloke and bitter drag queen all rolled into one. Still love stompin on the dancefloor in great big heavy boots...haha times spent on the dance floor @ MASS (goth nightclub in brizvegas circa early 90's)full face of make up, beautiful flowing wig, ripped stockings, docmartins doin the headbangin stomp with the other skin heads and loveable freaks who were my friends, remind me of the paradoxical nature of being and the great freedom in exploring fluid identities.
These days i'm more confident in who i am and consider myself very fortunate to have been hanging out with a guy who has allowed me to explore my inner bloke and the inner top i was always affraid of admitting was inside me (no pun intended). The power and confidence of sexual exploration is not to be denied, and the exploration of that in a safe space, respectful of self and other(s) for me was always paramount....just never found someone to play with before that i felt safe enough to play this game with, who was also strong and confident enough in himself to not be overwhelmed and subsumed by the power of dominance.
There's something to be said for the alpha male stereotype whereby the armour shield is so strong and lived so fully that being able to submitt does not undermine the self...not that i think every Alpha male could do this...just think i lucked out in finding someone who can and does.
I am very interested at the moment about why it is that i'm so comfortable in my skin now....when the masculine was always something i avoided representing myself as...even though i was so attracted to it. Maybe it's because i never truely believed i could 'pass' as a man, in the same way i had great confidence that i could, and did 'pass' as a fem.
explore tyhself, learn thyself, love thyself, reinvent thyself...and play...
my studies have me playing with identity once again and more precisely with the fluidity of identity. multiplicity of self with offline relationships and interactions has been a fascination of mine for a long time and the influx of different online personas as an extension of these have been something i've played with for a while now.
if we are multiple beings able to move between relationships and situations, what is it that grounds us within our 'self'. do we need something to ground us at all, or is the un-grounded-ness the substance of chaos and the potential for 'insanity' or at least the perception of insanity?
for years i've played with fluidity and recently i've been criticised for the directions this play has taken me. But for me the play is not just a game. and yes, for me, there is a game element to being, "life is a game". But i take this quite seriously, sometimes too seriously.
For me what grounds me, surprisingly, is a harking back to Morality and virtues. Maybe not the virtues and morals of everyone but for me the basis of an identity which i'm comfortable with. Integrity; honesty; respect; adaptability; flexibility and openness of self to name but a few.
the maliability of the self and the ways in which i interact change: mood, environment, state of health, and the nature of the engagement with different individuals and situations, again to name but a few, mediate the state of being with which i approach my life.
It is heartening to me to find resonance within my studies which reafirm these self held notions. Not that i need them to validate my choices and decision making processes but it is nice to not feel completely alone in the face of competing morals and values.
"we all create our own realities"...whether you believe that or not is up to you. For me the reality i am creating is one of frank and open discussion, with an honest willingness to continually challenge and revisit taken for granted assumptions and beliefs. All done within the space of 'play' as much as possible: play which respects the other whilst not diminishing myself, nor allowing personal power to be overarched and compromised to the point of being unhealthy. Compromise is essential to the negotiation of the self in interaction, but compromise does not need to be damaging to either parties. The abuse of power from which this stems is to me, something which needs to be questioned and continually challenged for healthy relationships to occur, what ever form those relationships my take.
The images i've used for this post relate to the play i've been doing in the realm of Hyper-masculinity. A new frontier for me and one i am enjoying more than i ever would have believed possible.
1. Relative health + 2. Job satisfaction + 3. Study satisfaction + 4. Regular hookups with a great guy + 5. Playing with others + 6. Supportive friends and family + 7. Attempting to live without expectations + 8. Taking none of the above for granted..........
