music to kik off the week...

every now and again you come accross a visage...

which needs no words.

luxury

i have spent a large chunk of today hunting around all the cyberplaces i used to visit before uni took over my life and i'm left pondering what has become of the blogosphere.

many blogs i used to visit are either:

1. gone and no longer available
2. blocked and require invite to read
3. so full of porn that the person i used to enjoy reading has disappeared
4. no longer active...still around but haven't been updated for a long time
5. require consent to view because of content

So i'm wondering....

A. have people lost the will to blog?
B. do people only want to view porn and people are catering to that market?
C. has blogging lost it's sense of 'community' and been replaced?
D. are people even busier these days and enjoy twitter more?
E. if the blogolution is coming to an end?

I gotta say that i have enjoyed catching up with people's blogs and the goings on in thier lives. And for the ones no longer around i do wonder how they are.

I have been blogging so sporadically this year that i can probably include myself in the missing in action list but some of these guys last post was last year.

I guess for me the intention of blogging and the reasons i started, remain. I like it and it's a great release. And now i'm left with a new sense of adventure that i actually have the time to hunt around and see who else is haunting the cybersphere and what other discoveries are to be made.

happy days....now i'm off for a beer or 2...



...and am looking forward to a lazy sunday sleep in...my first one in months. Have a great weekend!!

the end is in sight...

i can see the light and it's getting brighter...

all my assignment work for uni is due tomorrow and i'm just a little...frazzled

this semester has sucked big time and i think i'll be lucky to pass but other things had to take priority over study so that's the way it goes...

i have been taking some more shots which i'm pretty happy with tho and gettin ready to play more....



...and oh how i have missed the gratuitous playing...but summer is coming and the weather is getting warmer and the guys are disrobing and the fun in the sun is just around the corner...

yep i'm a bit manic...the jacarandas are out and that tends to send many students slightly crazy at this time of year... so i'm adding this shot as a point of meditation and relaxation...



yeah right...oh well back to work now...

reinvention of the self is the spice of my life

New job: check
New outlook on life: check
Letting go and moving on: check

My beautiful boy is happy in his new home and i get to see him regularly. still miss his fuzzy little face and the whole feel of the house has changed without his presence but he's still in my life just in a different way...

lonliness

at the moment i am experiencing such a profound sense of lonliness. My judgement has been a lttle clouded as a result and i'm feeling quite overwhelmed.

I have a job interview this week for the job that i've been acting in for the last five months and even though i'm reasonably confident i have a good chance of getting the job, there are no guarantees and i'm looking forward to the process ending. Being in limbo for 5 months has begun to take it's toll. I've been working so hard and have had nothing but good feedback from many people i'm working with which is great, however, i still have the residue of uncertainty which the experience of the unknown can bring, along with the sense of exhiliration and anticipation. I'm trying to be quite realistic in my approach and if i don't get this job it means i go back to my previous position so it could be a lot worse, at least either way i will still have a job. I want the new job though and i know i would be good in it but it is out of my hands. I can only do what i can do and give the best interview i can, and wait and see.

Focusing on the job application and doing so much work at work means that my focus has been diverted from my studies and i don't feel as though i am accomplishing as much with that as i can. I feel that as long as i pass this subject it's ok which goes against every grain of my being but what can i do, there are only so many hours in one day. And i have only so many emotional resources available to me.

I think the lonliness has been compounded by many factors. All of my friends are now in relationships and busy with their own lives. I have realized that very rarely do people actually contact me and it's been up to me to contact and make the first move if i want to see and keep up to date with them. Which is normal but like i say my judgement is a little clouded and at times i feel like, as much as i know it's not true, that being a little sliver in people's consciousness is not enough.

I have been having something of a regular fb relationship with a guy for over 8 months, and we have actually been playing together for well over 18 months. i'm beginning to feel that this may be coming to an end and that makes me feel sad. We both entered into this arrangement with eyes wide open, both of us agreeing it can never be more than a sexual arrangement, however, over so much time of course more of an emotional connection has been established...still wouldn't say i'm in love with him but i do love him and am quite protective of him. Want him to be happy etc but i also want me to be happy and i think now maybe i am ready for more than just a sexual arrangement, and i do wonder if the arrangement has given me the opportunity to hide behind getting to know people in a way which could lead to more. there is no chance of more with this guy, i know that and i accept that. I have been very fortunate to have had such an amazing experience with a truely beautiful being and for that am very grateful. I have learnt a lot about myself through this experience and that can never be taken away.

And yet i am completely unsure of what more i could do to change this sense of lonliness. Whilst i've been seeing this guy it was certainly never exclusive and i have met other people over that time, gone out on dates with a couple and played with others. I have met a whole slew of new people and made really meaningfull connections but never more than friendship.

To me it feels as though i'm the kind of person that others see as the nice gentle friend, who can be a little naughty and certainly good for a laugh particularly if a few drinks are involved. But i've begun to feel like this is an act on my part, a regression to older defense mechanisms; a way to be engaged whilst keeping others at a distance. I suppose that it doesn't help that the new people in my life are predominately straight men and maybe that's why it's been so good...i can flirt and have fun with full knowledge that it will go no further and vice versa. And yet the lonliness and want/need for something more substantial in terms of an emotional connection; i feel most acutley after hanging out with this group. Not surprising really.

I did meet someone on friday night, felt something like a possible connection and yes he was not only gay but unattached and of course the inevitable happened and we hooked up, and you know what, very little sex happened, rather i spent most of the night counselling him because i discovered later he was newly out of a long term relationship and was, to my complete surprise, terrified of the situation he found himself in. Nothing to do with me, he assured me...he was just overwhelmed by the situation of being with someone who was not his ex, and the things he thought he wanted to explore, he quickly discovered he was not ready for. It was all good and we parted on good terms.

Just seems to be a pattern at the moment, the broken ones or the damaged ones seem to flock to me, which is probably more of a statement about where i'm at more than anything else but it doesn't stop the hurt and the pain of the lonliness, it just compounds it.

I figure that a short, slightly overweight red head is not everyones cup of tea and i feel it quite strongly in the gay community when i venture out into clubs. even doing the online dating sites, and i say dating with tongue firmly planted in cheek, have left me cold. I mean how hard is it to just say i'm only interested in sex and casual hookups? If you say in your profile you are after a relationship then be serious about it, is that too much to ask?

One of my straight mates tells me he thinks i'm too needy. And perhaps he's right and maybe that's what people pick up on but isn't it a normal human emotion to want and need connection. I know that people say i should be able to be independent and be able to give all the love i need to myself, and don't get me wrong i do; i've experienced sharing myself with someone though and now i've experienced as an adult being single and independent in the world, and i've gotta say being single and independent is not all it's cracked up to be...not in comparison to having someone in your life who not only cares and thinks about you but actually wants to spend time with you for more than a couple of hours a week. When i mentioned what this mate had said to his ex, she said of course he would say that, which gave me more of an insight into his psyche and i am choosing to take his comments with a grain of salt because whilst he is quite intellectually intelligent, this does not always carry over to emotional intelligence and i knew that while opening up and sharing with him and yet was still surprised by his response.

I have been doubting myself a lot and i'm working very hard to overcome that. Maybe i'm deluding myself that i'm ready to engage with anyone on more of an emotional level again. Maybe i'm still a little more broken than i thought i was. i don't know. like i said my judgement is clouded of late. All i can do is take one day as it comes and continue to enter into the spirit of life on lifes terms, which is not a passive position but for me quite an active engagement and a challenging of the self through not just being but doing in the world.

Sometimes though in the act of doing the sense of being can be shaken and come a little ungrounded. I think this is part of what has been happening and my clinging to the desire for companionship is a tenuous thread between the two. Maybe not very healthy...i just don't know anymore.

word of the day

Sanguine